It has been a long time since my last posting. I have come to another chapter in my life. I promise myself and those who are interested, to update this blog soon then try to get back in the swing of posting frequently.
FYI: I write whatever comes to mind , so if you are looking for grammatically correct structure, you won't find it here. This page is my canvas and sometimes words fly out without any other purpose than to clear my mind.
Thanks for visiting.
See you soon.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Artistic perspectives - grief's tools of choice . . .
To my friend Becky (@ weepyseeds),
Your words are beautiful; like strokes from an artists brush on canvas, each choice of words fits with purpose and depth.
I enjoy reading your stories and I would like you to know that I appreciate your choice of words. I was just thinking….We aren’t so different after all. It could be possible that we are similar in the way we convey our inner most private thoughts. Perhaps I choose the angles of my subjects in my photos for the same reason you choose your words to describe your subjects in your stories. Through our perspectives, you in your eloquent ‘choice’ of words and me through my 'odd' angles I think we strive to achieve the same goal... The objective of a grieving mother is a nurturing objective; to provide, to protect and to prepare all those that cross our paths. Hence, if a person just skims the surface of your stories or my photos, a person might see the subject (like that play on words?) as a whole, but if someone truly thirsts and stops to absorb not just observe, then perhaps that someone’s thirst may be quenched and thus we have provided. And maybe, just maybe since we can no longer provide for our daughters any longer in the way we are accustom to, maybe providing for others, even strangers, is our new means of providing for our girls.
just thinking,
Nicki
I love you Alicia Nicole Rix.
Your words are beautiful; like strokes from an artists brush on canvas, each choice of words fits with purpose and depth.
I enjoy reading your stories and I would like you to know that I appreciate your choice of words. I was just thinking….We aren’t so different after all. It could be possible that we are similar in the way we convey our inner most private thoughts. Perhaps I choose the angles of my subjects in my photos for the same reason you choose your words to describe your subjects in your stories. Through our perspectives, you in your eloquent ‘choice’ of words and me through my 'odd' angles I think we strive to achieve the same goal... The objective of a grieving mother is a nurturing objective; to provide, to protect and to prepare all those that cross our paths. Hence, if a person just skims the surface of your stories or my photos, a person might see the subject (like that play on words?) as a whole, but if someone truly thirsts and stops to absorb not just observe, then perhaps that someone’s thirst may be quenched and thus we have provided. And maybe, just maybe since we can no longer provide for our daughters any longer in the way we are accustom to, maybe providing for others, even strangers, is our new means of providing for our girls.
just thinking,
Nicki
I love you Alicia Nicole Rix.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
2005 3 Cheerleaders banquet
I came across this photo and thought I'd share it. 
Here are Nanny, Papa, Amanda and Remi at the banquet in 2005.
Here is a photo of flowers we put down at the intersection at Hwy 5 and 89 known to most as Angels Crossing. This is the exact place the car came to rest and it is exactly where one of the intersections light posts are located today. (That is Tracy Evans helping us put up the girls photos).
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
"The Shack" William P. Young
Rick and I just finished the book "The Shack" by William P. Young. OMGosh!
I am not one for reading material dealing with death or sadness or anything like that, mostly because I usually can't see through the tears to make out the words while I’m reading. And also, I believe deep down I probably think, why read about it when I have to live with it every day? Anyway, Becky recommended the book and she and Mallory were talking about it one day and then someone sent it to Rick and I in the mail so I thought I'd give it a look. I read a couple of the first pages and didn't feel it was so great so I put it back on the shelf with all the others sad books that I haven't read yet.
Well, Sunday Rick and I were going to be on the road for several hours headed to Atlanta and I thought this would be a good time to listen to an audio version of the book. Since Becky liked it so much, I thought it must be worth a second look. WOW!!! I was surprised.
I like this man's thinking. It was as if he reached into my mind/heart/soul, plucked out my thoughts and put them into words. I mean, I have been struggling with my anger with God, respectfully of course, but still anger none the less and this guy dealt with all those feelings. I must say I was surprisingly shocked and pleased with it. Of course I cried and cried but they were good tears.
I would recommend this book to anyone. If you have read it, I'd like to know what you thought about it.
Wish I'd read this book a year ago. Might have helped with a lot of . . . stuff.
I am not one for reading material dealing with death or sadness or anything like that, mostly because I usually can't see through the tears to make out the words while I’m reading. And also, I believe deep down I probably think, why read about it when I have to live with it every day? Anyway, Becky recommended the book and she and Mallory were talking about it one day and then someone sent it to Rick and I in the mail so I thought I'd give it a look. I read a couple of the first pages and didn't feel it was so great so I put it back on the shelf with all the others sad books that I haven't read yet.
Well, Sunday Rick and I were going to be on the road for several hours headed to Atlanta and I thought this would be a good time to listen to an audio version of the book. Since Becky liked it so much, I thought it must be worth a second look. WOW!!! I was surprised.
I like this man's thinking. It was as if he reached into my mind/heart/soul, plucked out my thoughts and put them into words. I mean, I have been struggling with my anger with God, respectfully of course, but still anger none the less and this guy dealt with all those feelings. I must say I was surprisingly shocked and pleased with it. Of course I cried and cried but they were good tears.
I would recommend this book to anyone. If you have read it, I'd like to know what you thought about it.
Wish I'd read this book a year ago. Might have helped with a lot of . . . stuff.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
my map
Alicia made fun of my mapping out our trip to DC but as you can see, she wanted to look at it while we were on the tram before we arrived at our destination.
Then again she may have just been messing with me in order to get a photo of me and my map so she could prove to her friends that I mapped out our whole trip to DC.
:)
Then again she may have just been messing with me in order to get a photo of me and my map so she could prove to her friends that I mapped out our whole trip to DC.
:)
Sneak attack camera
I hid in Alicia's room and snapped a picture of her when she walked in the door.
Looks like I caught her concentrating.
After I surprised her she laughed. hehe
............sigh, i miss her.
Looks like I caught her concentrating.
After I surprised her she laughed. hehe
............sigh, i miss her.
Monday, June 23, 2008
2008 Softball Tournament t-shirts
What do y'all think about these colors?!
I think they will stand out and be very appealing to the kids.
Maybe we'll sell out again this year.
I think they will stand out and be very appealing to the kids.
Maybe we'll sell out again this year.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Remi tells on God and I move forward
June 12, 2008
Out of the blue one day Remi told her Momma that she was mad at God.
When her mother asked her why she was mad at God, Remi replied:
"Because he took Alex and Alicia to Heaven and
they can't stay here and play with me."
Amanda (Remi's Mommy), not certain how to respond to her daughter's
statement, could only come up with one word: "Ok."
Bless Amanda's heart, when she called me and told me what Remi said
and asked me for my advice, I too was caught with my mouth open. So
Amanda and I talked about different religions and the meanings of various
religious terms dealing with death. I answered her questions to the best
of my ability.
Having struggled with my own anger with God as an adult, I was quite
surprised that a 3 year old would be crossing this same bridge at the same
time I was. As a matter of fact, I found it sad and troubling that
this poor little girl was forced to deal with death so soon.
Here I am 40+ years old and just now dealing with death and grief.
I can't imagine a 3 year old (now 4) forced to rationalize DEATH, GOD,
and WHY?, all out in her own little mind (and heart and soul).
But obviously, Remi had thought these things through and she concluded
that she wasn't getting her fair share from God.
Apparently she felt God wasn't playing by the rules and that it was within
her rights to tell on him.
That it was 'ok' to tell on God.
That God was cheating and being selfish. I can imagine just such a conversation
that a 3 year old might haveas they try to reason things out in their own minds:
"Why doesn't God have to share?"
"I get time-out when I don't share with others."
"I'll be mad at God until he plays fair."
Still, it is comforting to know that Remi has such a firm belief in the very existence
of God, that she can be angry with him.
I mean to her GOD is a FACT.
God is there and there isn't a question of "Do I believe in God?"
but the simple fact that God isn’t playing fair.
It took me several months after Alicia’s death to come to a similar
conclusion of my own:
You can’t accuse someone of cheating if you don’t believe in their very existence.
It is my experience, that people don’t typically point a finger at someone they
don’t think exists.
I was angry with God but I felt one wasn't allowed to be angry with God
because that was a sure-fire way of getting a first class ticket to Hell.
I even began to ask myself, "Is there a God?"Finally, after a lot of rationalizing
with my own self, and trust me a minute (60 seconds) of time within ones own
mind trying to reason with one’s own self can seem like an eternity,
but eventually I came to a conclusion I could live with:
I couldn't be angry with something I didn't believe in.
And I certainly had enough anger within me to materialize a couple
of Gods, if that was what it took.
It was comforting to know, to realize, that I do believe in God.
That after a lifetime of ideas and what I considered ‘firm’ beliefs,
I truly did/do believe in God.
(sigh), at least that was something,
a solid foundation,
a rock I could stand on.
And now that I am standing again
and I know there is a firm rock under my feet,
I have something to stomp around on, a place to express my anger.
And so, ..........
I stand,
I stomp,
I shout,
I point my finger,
I express,
I believe,
I love,
I anticipate the answers.
............. 'with the heart of a child.'
I move forward
Out of the blue one day Remi told her Momma that she was mad at God.
When her mother asked her why she was mad at God, Remi replied:
"Because he took Alex and Alicia to Heaven and
they can't stay here and play with me."
Amanda (Remi's Mommy), not certain how to respond to her daughter's
statement, could only come up with one word: "Ok."
Bless Amanda's heart, when she called me and told me what Remi said
and asked me for my advice, I too was caught with my mouth open. So
Amanda and I talked about different religions and the meanings of various
religious terms dealing with death. I answered her questions to the best
of my ability.
Having struggled with my own anger with God as an adult, I was quite
surprised that a 3 year old would be crossing this same bridge at the same
time I was. As a matter of fact, I found it sad and troubling that
this poor little girl was forced to deal with death so soon.
Here I am 40+ years old and just now dealing with death and grief.
I can't imagine a 3 year old (now 4) forced to rationalize DEATH, GOD,
and WHY?, all out in her own little mind (and heart and soul).
But obviously, Remi had thought these things through and she concluded
that she wasn't getting her fair share from God.
Apparently she felt God wasn't playing by the rules and that it was within
her rights to tell on him.
That it was 'ok' to tell on God.
That God was cheating and being selfish. I can imagine just such a conversation
that a 3 year old might haveas they try to reason things out in their own minds:
"Why doesn't God have to share?"
"I get time-out when I don't share with others."
"I'll be mad at God until he plays fair."
Still, it is comforting to know that Remi has such a firm belief in the very existence
of God, that she can be angry with him.
I mean to her GOD is a FACT.
God is there and there isn't a question of "Do I believe in God?"
but the simple fact that God isn’t playing fair.
It took me several months after Alicia’s death to come to a similar
conclusion of my own:
You can’t accuse someone of cheating if you don’t believe in their very existence.
It is my experience, that people don’t typically point a finger at someone they
don’t think exists.
I was angry with God but I felt one wasn't allowed to be angry with God
because that was a sure-fire way of getting a first class ticket to Hell.
I even began to ask myself, "Is there a God?"Finally, after a lot of rationalizing
with my own self, and trust me a minute (60 seconds) of time within ones own
mind trying to reason with one’s own self can seem like an eternity,
but eventually I came to a conclusion I could live with:
I couldn't be angry with something I didn't believe in.
And I certainly had enough anger within me to materialize a couple
of Gods, if that was what it took.
It was comforting to know, to realize, that I do believe in God.
That after a lifetime of ideas and what I considered ‘firm’ beliefs,
I truly did/do believe in God.
(sigh), at least that was something,
a solid foundation,
a rock I could stand on.
And now that I am standing again
and I know there is a firm rock under my feet,
I have something to stomp around on, a place to express my anger.
And so, ..........
I stand,
I stomp,
I shout,
I point my finger,
I express,
I believe,
I love,
I anticipate the answers.
............. 'with the heart of a child.'
I move forward
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
