a difficult stage . . .

5 stages of GRIEF:

1. DENIAL

2. ANGER

3. BARGAINING

4. DEPRESSION

5. ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE, being perhaps the most difficult stage for me to grasp.

I have come to realize that no matter how deep I go into this grief hole, the world moves on and I will still have to face everything whenever I choose to step out. But just peeking out of this hole now and then these past 4 years has frightened me and even angered me.

Angered, because Life keeps going on without her and I have had absolutely no control over any of the choices Life has thrown my way.

Frightened, I guess because of the Fear of the 'unknown'.

Anyway, I am trying to put what is left back together (as best I can) of me and my world and what I think my Life should be now. that is now without her as a living part of it.

Everything has changed about me; it all has different meanings;
Mom
Wife
Past
Present
Future
Dreams
Foundation
Beliefs
even my understanding of my own Faith. What is Faith?

I've got to rethink everything and that is something I've just not been willing to come to grasp, or maybe to accept? There is that word again.

40 some odd years of thinking the world works one way and having to start all over from scratch because I have found it isn't that way, is a very difficult thing to face.

Being forced to play the game of Life knowing that I may never know the Rules isn't very motivating. - Again, what is Faith? OK, so that is where Faith comes in, right?

I don’t know, I’m guessing now.

I’m guessing at EVERYTHING now.

I used to have such a handle on my understanding of Life and how things work or at least how I thought God wanted them to work.

Good things happen to good people. That is not true.

OK then God tests us with challenges in our Lives to make us better people or Christians or something.

No, I don’t think that is not true either.

I used to tell Alicia; "No where in the Bible does it say that Life is fair nor that it will be easy. It only says that God promises to be there."

Where?
Where is he?
Where is God?
What was I saying?
Why do I still think that?
I know he IS but I don’t feel his arms around me.
I see wonderful people doing wonderful works, good Christian people
but
I also see bad people getting by with bad things.
Why?
Why does God let these things happen?

Somehow something of my Faith continues on.

How?
How can that be?
How can I have such Faith in God without understanding what Faith is?
How can such strong Faith can be embedded so deeply in my soul?
How did I come to have such strong Faith at such a young age?
What life changing revolutionary thought process occurred when I was 9 years old to embed such Faith?
Where is that now?
I need that, thing to awaken me now so that I can face the challenges I foresee in my future.

ACCEPTANCE and Faith,

two very …. difficult …. 'properties'.