Remi tells on God and I move forward

June 12, 2008

Out of the blue one day Remi told her Momma that she was mad at God.
When her mother asked her why she was mad at God, Remi replied:

"Because he took Alex and Alicia to Heaven and
they can't stay here and play with me."

Amanda (Remi's Mommy), not certain how to respond to her daughter's
statement, could only come up with one word: "Ok."

Bless Amanda's heart, when she called me and told me what Remi said
and asked me for my advice, I too was caught with my mouth open. So
Amanda and I talked about different religions and the meanings of various
religious terms dealing with death. I answered her questions to the best
of my ability.

Having struggled with my own anger with God as an adult, I was quite
surprised that a 3 year old would be crossing this same bridge at the same
time I was. As a matter of fact, I found it sad and troubling that
this poor little girl was forced to deal with death so soon.
Here I am 40+ years old and just now dealing with death and grief.
I can't imagine a 3 year old (now 4) forced to rationalize DEATH, GOD,
and WHY?, all out in her own little mind (and heart and soul).

But obviously, Remi had thought these things through and she concluded
that she wasn't getting her fair share from God.

Apparently she felt God wasn't playing by the rules and that it was within
her rights to tell on him.

That it was 'ok' to tell on God.

That God was cheating and being selfish. I can imagine just such a conversation
that a 3 year old might haveas they try to reason things out in their own minds:

"Why doesn't God have to share?"

"I get time-out when I don't share with others."

"I'll be mad at God until he plays fair."

Still, it is comforting to know that Remi has such a firm belief in the very existence
of God, that she can be angry with him.

I mean to her GOD is a FACT.
God is there and there isn't a question of "Do I believe in God?"
but the simple fact that God isn’t playing fair.

It took me several months after Alicia’s death to come to a similar
conclusion of my own:

You can’t accuse someone of cheating if you don’t believe in their very existence.

It is my experience, that people don’t typically point a finger at someone they
don’t think exists.

I was angry with God but I felt one wasn't allowed to be angry with God
because that was a sure-fire way of getting a first class ticket to Hell.

I even began to ask myself, "Is there a God?"Finally, after a lot of rationalizing
with my own self, and trust me a minute (60 seconds) of time within ones own
mind trying to reason with one’s own self can seem like an eternity,
but eventually I came to a conclusion I could live with:

I couldn't be angry with something I didn't believe in.

And I certainly had enough anger within me to materialize a couple
of Gods, if that was what it took.

It was comforting to know, to realize, that I do believe in God.
That after a lifetime of ideas and what I considered ‘firm’ beliefs,
I truly did/do believe in God.

(sigh), at least that was something,
a solid foundation,
a rock I could stand on.

And now that I am standing again
and I know there is a firm rock under my feet,
I have something to stomp around on, a place to express my anger.

And so, ..........

I stand,
I stomp,
I shout,
I point my finger,
I express,
I believe,
I love,
I anticipate the answers.

............. 'with the heart of a child.'


I move forward