I have such a hard time with the month of February.
I know you loved Valentines Day.
I remember your last one so well.
I think if it snows this year on Valentines Day, I will go to the Country Club and slide down the hill you all had so much fun on that day. I wish someone would purchase that stupid bit of land and make it The Kids Snow Hill or something like that.
I wish it could be blocked off so no one could build anything on it
and it would be accessible to everyone
and available for anyone who wanted to be there and slide down it.
Like a monument in honor of kids having good clean honest fun together.
A place they could go and sit on the grass and talk.
a . . . . . . ‘Free Zone’
That would be perfect. A place where a kid could laugh or cry and feel better.
God, I miss you sweetface. I miss you SOOOOOOOOOOO much.
I need you right now. …….. badly.
So much going on right now.
So many things I don’t have any control over.
So many FINAL things.
Too many things I’m not ready for.
We got you another beautiful Angel for your place. I am afraid of it getting broken or stolen but sometimes when that happens I try to turn it around and think of it as them taking a piece of you with them. As if you are going with someone on another great adventure.
Or
if I get there and find another Angel smashed, I try to think perhaps there was a big gust of wind carrying seeds from beautiful happy pink or yellow flowers
and perhaps the happy seeds brush up against the Angel and . . .
well anyway, I try to think of something like that instead of something ugly.
I try to consider that the person who does the smashing or scratching is
a sad person,
a hurt person.
after all they are there because they lossed someone too.
(sigh)
I am so sorry I haven't been able to come by
and visit your place.
...... it is so hard to do, sweetface
..... so hard to imagine you behind that marble wall,
so close and yet....
I can't get to you and hold you and protect you.
Your little body.
The body God gave me to raise and protect.
I promised to raise you in his name . . . and now...........
GOD, WHY?!
Why did you take her so soon.
Without warning.
I would have done ANYTHING, GOD!
Anything you asked me to do. ............
............... (sigh) anything
anything
just thinking.... wishing.......... begging........pleading,
nicki
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