Rick and I just finished the book "The Shack" by William P. Young. OMGosh!
I am not one for reading material dealing with death or sadness or anything like that, mostly because I usually can't see through the tears to make out the words while I’m reading. And also, I believe deep down I probably think, why read about it when I have to live with it every day? Anyway, Becky recommended the book and she and Mallory were talking about it one day and then someone sent it to Rick and I in the mail so I thought I'd give it a look. I read a couple of the first pages and didn't feel it was so great so I put it back on the shelf with all the others sad books that I haven't read yet.
Well, Sunday Rick and I were going to be on the road for several hours headed to Atlanta and I thought this would be a good time to listen to an audio version of the book. Since Becky liked it so much, I thought it must be worth a second look. WOW!!! I was surprised.
I like this man's thinking. It was as if he reached into my mind/heart/soul, plucked out my thoughts and put them into words. I mean, I have been struggling with my anger with God, respectfully of course, but still anger none the less and this guy dealt with all those feelings. I must say I was surprisingly shocked and pleased with it. Of course I cried and cried but they were good tears.
I would recommend this book to anyone. If you have read it, I'd like to know what you thought about it.
Wish I'd read this book a year ago. Might have helped with a lot of . . . stuff.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
my map
Alicia made fun of my mapping out our trip to DC but as you can see, she wanted to look at it while we were on the tram before we arrived at our destination.
Then again she may have just been messing with me in order to get a photo of me and my map so she could prove to her friends that I mapped out our whole trip to DC.
:)
Then again she may have just been messing with me in order to get a photo of me and my map so she could prove to her friends that I mapped out our whole trip to DC.
:)
Sneak attack camera
I hid in Alicia's room and snapped a picture of her when she walked in the door.
Looks like I caught her concentrating.
After I surprised her she laughed. hehe
............sigh, i miss her.
Looks like I caught her concentrating.
After I surprised her she laughed. hehe
............sigh, i miss her.
Monday, June 23, 2008
2008 Softball Tournament t-shirts
What do y'all think about these colors?!
I think they will stand out and be very appealing to the kids.
Maybe we'll sell out again this year.
I think they will stand out and be very appealing to the kids.
Maybe we'll sell out again this year.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Remi tells on God and I move forward
June 12, 2008
Out of the blue one day Remi told her Momma that she was mad at God.
When her mother asked her why she was mad at God, Remi replied:
"Because he took Alex and Alicia to Heaven and
they can't stay here and play with me."
Amanda (Remi's Mommy), not certain how to respond to her daughter's
statement, could only come up with one word: "Ok."
Bless Amanda's heart, when she called me and told me what Remi said
and asked me for my advice, I too was caught with my mouth open. So
Amanda and I talked about different religions and the meanings of various
religious terms dealing with death. I answered her questions to the best
of my ability.
Having struggled with my own anger with God as an adult, I was quite
surprised that a 3 year old would be crossing this same bridge at the same
time I was. As a matter of fact, I found it sad and troubling that
this poor little girl was forced to deal with death so soon.
Here I am 40+ years old and just now dealing with death and grief.
I can't imagine a 3 year old (now 4) forced to rationalize DEATH, GOD,
and WHY?, all out in her own little mind (and heart and soul).
But obviously, Remi had thought these things through and she concluded
that she wasn't getting her fair share from God.
Apparently she felt God wasn't playing by the rules and that it was within
her rights to tell on him.
That it was 'ok' to tell on God.
That God was cheating and being selfish. I can imagine just such a conversation
that a 3 year old might haveas they try to reason things out in their own minds:
"Why doesn't God have to share?"
"I get time-out when I don't share with others."
"I'll be mad at God until he plays fair."
Still, it is comforting to know that Remi has such a firm belief in the very existence
of God, that she can be angry with him.
I mean to her GOD is a FACT.
God is there and there isn't a question of "Do I believe in God?"
but the simple fact that God isn’t playing fair.
It took me several months after Alicia’s death to come to a similar
conclusion of my own:
You can’t accuse someone of cheating if you don’t believe in their very existence.
It is my experience, that people don’t typically point a finger at someone they
don’t think exists.
I was angry with God but I felt one wasn't allowed to be angry with God
because that was a sure-fire way of getting a first class ticket to Hell.
I even began to ask myself, "Is there a God?"Finally, after a lot of rationalizing
with my own self, and trust me a minute (60 seconds) of time within ones own
mind trying to reason with one’s own self can seem like an eternity,
but eventually I came to a conclusion I could live with:
I couldn't be angry with something I didn't believe in.
And I certainly had enough anger within me to materialize a couple
of Gods, if that was what it took.
It was comforting to know, to realize, that I do believe in God.
That after a lifetime of ideas and what I considered ‘firm’ beliefs,
I truly did/do believe in God.
(sigh), at least that was something,
a solid foundation,
a rock I could stand on.
And now that I am standing again
and I know there is a firm rock under my feet,
I have something to stomp around on, a place to express my anger.
And so, ..........
I stand,
I stomp,
I shout,
I point my finger,
I express,
I believe,
I love,
I anticipate the answers.
............. 'with the heart of a child.'
I move forward
Out of the blue one day Remi told her Momma that she was mad at God.
When her mother asked her why she was mad at God, Remi replied:
"Because he took Alex and Alicia to Heaven and
they can't stay here and play with me."
Amanda (Remi's Mommy), not certain how to respond to her daughter's
statement, could only come up with one word: "Ok."
Bless Amanda's heart, when she called me and told me what Remi said
and asked me for my advice, I too was caught with my mouth open. So
Amanda and I talked about different religions and the meanings of various
religious terms dealing with death. I answered her questions to the best
of my ability.
Having struggled with my own anger with God as an adult, I was quite
surprised that a 3 year old would be crossing this same bridge at the same
time I was. As a matter of fact, I found it sad and troubling that
this poor little girl was forced to deal with death so soon.
Here I am 40+ years old and just now dealing with death and grief.
I can't imagine a 3 year old (now 4) forced to rationalize DEATH, GOD,
and WHY?, all out in her own little mind (and heart and soul).
But obviously, Remi had thought these things through and she concluded
that she wasn't getting her fair share from God.
Apparently she felt God wasn't playing by the rules and that it was within
her rights to tell on him.
That it was 'ok' to tell on God.
That God was cheating and being selfish. I can imagine just such a conversation
that a 3 year old might haveas they try to reason things out in their own minds:
"Why doesn't God have to share?"
"I get time-out when I don't share with others."
"I'll be mad at God until he plays fair."
Still, it is comforting to know that Remi has such a firm belief in the very existence
of God, that she can be angry with him.
I mean to her GOD is a FACT.
God is there and there isn't a question of "Do I believe in God?"
but the simple fact that God isn’t playing fair.
It took me several months after Alicia’s death to come to a similar
conclusion of my own:
You can’t accuse someone of cheating if you don’t believe in their very existence.
It is my experience, that people don’t typically point a finger at someone they
don’t think exists.
I was angry with God but I felt one wasn't allowed to be angry with God
because that was a sure-fire way of getting a first class ticket to Hell.
I even began to ask myself, "Is there a God?"Finally, after a lot of rationalizing
with my own self, and trust me a minute (60 seconds) of time within ones own
mind trying to reason with one’s own self can seem like an eternity,
but eventually I came to a conclusion I could live with:
I couldn't be angry with something I didn't believe in.
And I certainly had enough anger within me to materialize a couple
of Gods, if that was what it took.
It was comforting to know, to realize, that I do believe in God.
That after a lifetime of ideas and what I considered ‘firm’ beliefs,
I truly did/do believe in God.
(sigh), at least that was something,
a solid foundation,
a rock I could stand on.
And now that I am standing again
and I know there is a firm rock under my feet,
I have something to stomp around on, a place to express my anger.
And so, ..........
I stand,
I stomp,
I shout,
I point my finger,
I express,
I believe,
I love,
I anticipate the answers.
............. 'with the heart of a child.'
I move forward
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Alicia's Christmas Lamp & a purse I made in November 23, 2003 photos
This is a lamp I made for Alicia Christmas in
2003. I worked so hard on it and was very
proud of how it turned out.
It is still in her room today with the light shining.
______________________________________________
This is a purse I made to sell at Nanny's purse
party. Alicia was so upset that I sold it.
She just knew she was going to keep it.
I wished I had kept it for her but I sold it to
buy her one of the Christmas present she wanted.
2003. I worked so hard on it and was very
proud of how it turned out.
It is still in her room today with the light shining.
______________________________________________
This is a purse I made to sell at Nanny's purse
party. Alicia was so upset that I sold it.
She just knew she was going to keep it.
I wished I had kept it for her but I sold it to
buy her one of the Christmas present she wanted.
Pics I took of Blake August 15, 2004
Blakers, Alicia would have been so very proud of you in these photos.
I could hear her say, "That's MY Blake".
Thursday, March 27, 2008
funny cats!
I think cats are the funniest thing God put on the face of the earth!
Hope you like these as much as I did.
Hope you like these as much as I did.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
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